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| Home >> Community | News >> PC Humor/Entertainment >> |
Computer Related HumorEven the computer nerds can use some good sense of humor. If you have come across some good laughes related to computers and Internet, please write it down and send it to us. If published here, we'll send you a CD-ROM drive in retail box! PLEASE send only the original work. Do not copy and send works already published elsewhere.Top 10 Justifications for a New Computer by Dr. Chang, Directron.com 10. Honey, the computer will keep the kids busy and leave us alone. 9. I won't be a couch potato any more. (I'll watch ESPN on-line instead.) 8. I dreamed about shopping in the Cyber Mall last night. 7. I promise I'll pick better stocks as soon as I have a new PC. 6. From now on I'll file our tax return on time every year. 5. Mom, this one is so powerful that it will improve my grades immediately. 4. Jimmy next door needs another player for a network game. 3. Look how many trees we'd save if we don't use paper any more. 2. I knew it's time to get a new one when I found that I couldn't give away my old one. 1. I found a great deal at Directron.com! Wife 1.0 Home - Go-to-Top Dear Tech Support: I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year, I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up alot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me please? Thanks, Fred. Dear Fred: This is a very common problem that men complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many peole upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0, because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings - Alimony/child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnerships Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsiblity for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\Apologize. In any case, avoid excessive use of the "esc" key, because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recomment Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck, Tech Support The Fishing Vacation Home - Go-to-Top A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort near a national park. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake. She rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the park ranger in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?' "You're in a no-fishing area," he informs her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and charge you." "If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman. "I didn't even touch you," grouses the ranger. "Yes, that's true......but you have all the equipment." Ponderings...by Elizabeth Home - Go-to-Top 1. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...GO FIGURE! 2. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 3. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. 4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?" 5. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? Software Engineer Home - Go-to-Top -"How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?" -"How many?" -"Zero." -"Why?" -"Because it is a hardware problem." Bill Gates Buys a House Home - Go-to-Top Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss." Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. It's been over 90 days, so, this'll cost you $75, okay?" Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated." Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date." Bill: "Well, we won't be able to fit all our furniture in there." Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a stacker." Bill: "A stacker?" Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit around twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done." Bill: "Mmmmm, I dunno... Well, let's go on to issue number two: This is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way." Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs." Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?" Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system." Bill: "You're kidding!?" Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way." Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work." Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures." Bill: "And how do I fix that?" Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work." Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?" Contractor: "Hey, nobody's making you buy it." Bill: "And when will this be fixed?" Contractor: "Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. It was due out this year, but we've had some delays..." Wordperfect Dialog Home - Go-to-Top Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee: "Rich Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C:\prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around the screen?" "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ........ "Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there was two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." ".......Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Un huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power....A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good! Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline. The helpdesk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing WordPerfect for "Termination without Cause". Computer Gender Home - Go-to-Top A pastor of a church, who was previously a sailor, was aware that ships are addressed as "she" or "her." He often wondered in what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women and the second of men. Each group was to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine or the masculine gender. They were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations. The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2) They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 4) As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1) No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2) The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3) Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it. Subject: New virus warning - -please read! Home - Go-to-Top ***** ATTENTION * ATTENTION * ATTENTION * ATTENTION ***** There is a new type of computer virus out there... It is being defined as a "super-virus"... This is extremely important information, so, please read the following information to be sure to take all the necessary precautions... If you receive an e-mail entitled "BadTimes" delete it immediately. DO NOT OPEN IT. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on a floppy, Zip or any other type of disk within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your debit, credit and ID cards. It will reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program ALL of your phone's autodials to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank and the water bowls for your dog and/or cat. It will drink ALL your beer. Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears and grow at an exponential rate. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until you poke someone's eye out. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. It will rewrite all of your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretation of key sentences. If the "BadTimes" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bath-tub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will turn all your PC clocks back to 1799. It will make Sluggo look like a saint. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It is very insidious and extremely subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These have been just a few signs of infection. NERD SEASON --Contributed by Josh Home - Go-to-Top A truck driver walks into a bar and immediately notices a sign saying "No Nerds Allowed-Enter At Your Own Risk" He goes and sits down. The bartender comes over and sniffs him, says he smells kinda nerdy, and asks what he does for a living. The driver says he drives trucks and the smell is from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds" and gives him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy comes in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with 12 kinds of pencils and pens, and a belt at least a foot too long. Without saying anything the bartender pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender says not to worry, nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. "You don't even need a license", he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up computers. They're all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest stuff he had ever seen. He couldn't let him steal the whole load. So, remembering the incident at the bar, he pulls out a shotgun and starts blasting away, killing many of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming for him to stop. The truck driver says "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season?" The patrolman replies " Well, sure, but you can't bait'em" HEART installation Home - Go-to-Top Customer: I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first? CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am? Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running? CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am? Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now. CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am? Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how? CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased. Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal? CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message? Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed? CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades. Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do? CS Rep: What does the message say? Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS".What does that mean? CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but In non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others. Customer: So what should I do? CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"? Customer: Yes, I have it. CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this. Customer: Thank you. CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT,and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back. Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM,PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENTCOM are copying themselves all over My HEART! CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle It from here. One more thing before I go... Customer: Yes? CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you. Customer: I will. Thank you for your help. Year 2000 Compliant Database Contributed by Derek Iverson Home - Go-to-Top This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennium Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS." Cup Holder Contributed by Derek Iverson Home - Go-to-Top A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had purchase one of their PCs. "The cup holder on my computer broke! I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!" The employee was a little confused and didn't know what to say. He finally asked her to describe the cup holder to him...he'd never heard of his company selling in-computer cup holders. So the lady went on to describe the cup holder to him. "Well, it pops out of the little box when I push a button, and it has 40x written on it..." Home - Go-to-Top |
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